Dinner Party

Hello and Welcome to Daddy Cows Restaurant, my name is Daddy and I’ll be taking care of you this evening. How many are in your party? 3? Wonderful. If you’ll follow me I’ll just seat you right over here in our best booth. Close enough to the restroom for your mid-meal poop break, sir. And the TV visibility is sublime. Might I suggest a DVR’d episode of Bubble Guppies to keep the little lady here happy? Wonderful.

Now would you like to start the evening off with something from the drink menu? Milk? Some Wa Wa perhaps? Oh juice? I’m not sure if the kitchen is serving juice so early in the evening. Well, ma’am…..Yes, I understand…..ma’am please stop shouting. Ma’am please return to your seat, and please put down the fork. If you’ll just please stop crying ma’am….Yes, I understand, but our chef requests that we start off the evening with some water, and depending on how clean your plate is then we can discuss juice options. Ok? Fantastic.

So the chef this evening has prepared a marvelous made from scratch boxed macaroni and cheese with a delightful hot-dog garnish. It is served with a vegetable option or….Oh, no vegetable option this evening? Well the chef strongly recommends that you at least try the vegetable option….Ma’am please stop screaming. Might I suggest a fruit instead? We have a fresh…..ly packaged peaches served in a heavy syrup drizzle. Yes, we only ask that you exercise caution in opening the package as it will undoubtedly spill everywhere immediately. Our chef has gone to great lengths in preparing this meal for you this evening, and we ask all our patrons to show gratitude by not immediately attempting to order alternate items “off menu.”

Here at Daddy Cows we also strongly recommend that all patrons make their best effort to remember their manners. This is a Family Restaurant, and we would prefer if you would refrain from the following:

  1. Using the word Poop and or Fart excessively in the presence of others.
  2. Please remain SEATED until your meal is finished. We understand you may have the urge to play a friendly game of Musical Chairs as it were, or leave the table frequently all together. We urge that you refrain from this type of behavior.
  3. In addition to #2 We do not believe that relocating oneself on the floor closer to the TV is acceptable behavior. We will ask that you pick up the food that will have undoubtedly spilled everywhere and return to your table.
  4. We also do not recommend leaving the table and bringing several coloring books and crayons back to the table for an impromptu art show. Although here at Daddy Cows we fully support the local arts, however we do have a time and place for such exhibitions to be displayed. Might we recommend several pieces of scotch tape and (contrary to what management would tell you) any available wall space would be acceptable.
  5. As a friendly reminder we want to remind our patrons that although we have several staff members that have a long background in musical theater, the sudden bursting into song at the table is not recommended. In particular we ask that you refrain from the following: Party in the USA, the theme song to the movie: 9 to 5, and most church hymns. We ask that you simply allow our patrons to enjoy their meal, and save the performance until afterward.
  6. We recommend that Ranch not be used as a main dish.
  7. In the event that management allows a musical score for your evening meal, we ask that you not shout at our Musical Director: Alexa, to play the following: Baby Shark, the theme song to Super Mario Odyssey, or the Trolls movie soundtrack. Management prefers from the following selections: Smooth Jazz, Jazz Piano, or Soft Sounds of the Piano played by mostly Jazz musicians.
  8. For those of you compelled to use the restroom (closest in proximity to the dining room) during mealtime we will be implanting the following rules.
    1. 1st, please refrain from removing your shirt whilst using the facilities. We understand that the temptation to gain optimal comfort is within anyone’s best interest in your situation, but we ask that all shirts remain on at this time.
    2. Please refrain from excessive reading during this time. We at Daddy Cows want our patrons to enjoy their meal at the ideal temperature, and recommend restroom use be limited to, but not to exceed 47 minutes.
    3. We ask, (and can’t stress this enough) that all patrons using the restroom please refrain from having conversations with other members of your party with the door open. Our guests are trying to enjoy their meals, and this type of behavior may prohibit them from doing so.

We hope you will agree with management in refraining as best you can from the following that was just mentioned. In addition to the manner requirements we do have one final rule that is above all the most important rule here at Daddy Cows restaurant.

The most important rule is that you enjoy your experience with us this evening. We at Daddy Cows encourage laughter, conversation, and sharing of stories, feelings, and all that entails. If you’ve had a bad day, we want to hear about it. If you’re having a great day, even better! Spare no detail. We also want to remind our guests that we are thankful for the food that we have been blessed with. We want to emphasize how important a family meal time is, and by an extension of this our chef recommends that most meals the television will otherwise be unavailable. (However there may be exceptions made by the head waiter during the month of March as is customary during March Madness)  We like to joke, we like to be silly, and we like to remind all who dine with us to know that the time spent around the table with family is the best part of our day.

Ok, so how was everything this evening? Wonderful. Sir, I couldn’t help but notice that you somehow managed to convince the kitchen staff to allow you a few more cookies for dessert? Well I want to thank you for dining with us this evening. I also want to thank you for volunteering for the mandatory clearing of plates and bussing your own table. I know management has been very happy with how this practice has been implemented into our dining experience. And so now who is going to be handling the check this evening? Ma’am? Sir? You? Miss? The one who has made your way into our adjacent game room several times throughout the course of the meal. …..Oh, I see. Put it on your tab. Very well then. Well thank you for choosing Daddy Cows, and remember to tip your waiter…..or at the very least a hug would be nice.

Author: John

In my travels I have seen many things, and encountered many battles during my 1st almost 9 years of fatherhood. Issuing severe beat downs to my 8 year old in several video game battles, (which undoubtedly results in a lecture about how to talk trash “politely”) Choosing the right shade of toe nail polish to compliment my eyes with my 6 year old. And most recently taking an ambulance ride with a 2 year old in the middle of the night who thinks getting croup is the most fun thing in the world. (Btw Peppa Pig will most likely cure any illness your child has. Taken in regular doses your child’s symptoms will lessen if not disappear completely by hour 4) For this blog about fatherhood I certainly do not have all the answers (nor will I pretend to), but do I have no shortage of stories, wit and wisdom (well….I’ve got stories) that may potentially help remind those of your readers that are new to fatherhood not to worry….none of us really know what the hell we’re doing. So fire up that one Pixar dvd you’ve already watched 8 times this week , put the amoxicillin on ice, and get out your dress sweat pants and hop in this mini-van because I’m John Pirtle and this is Fatherhood.